


Hope

by cleodoxa



Category: due South
Genre: First Time, M/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-21
Updated: 2017-11-21
Packaged: 2019-02-05 06:52:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12789171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cleodoxa/pseuds/cleodoxa
Summary: Ray knows he can't go back to Chicago without throwing himself at Fraser.  Still, he can put it off until they're actually at the airport.





	Hope

Ray had mostly intended to do this at the airport for as long as he had intended to do it at all. Throw himself at Fraser, that is. The airport was just so convenient. You made your big announcement, put forward your big idea, made a move on your probably straight, possibly asexual friend, and then when it went over like a lead balloon you hopped on your plane, left the guy still gaping on the ground, and you never had to see him again. If only life was one big airport. 

He started suspecting that he was going to have to do something like this when they fell out into the snow and Fraser looked thrilled about it. Ray felt like he was watching him put Chicago behind him like it was an unpleasant but rewarding character-building exercise he'd just evolved beyond. Ray didn't think he could let himself be put behind Fraser without protesting. He would, if he could. Ray had had enough of being the needy "don't go" one. But he couldn't. The end credits had begun to roll when the real Ray Vecchio turned up but at that moment they got a lot louder. Of course, they had mountains to climb and killers to apprehend, and Ray spent a lot of time either delirious or facing death, so it wasn't like he had a lot of time to dwell on it. And then Fraser offered a reprieve, an adventure, just the two of them in the snow, so that suddenly the airport was months in the future.

Ray wasn't going to turn that down, either the chance to spend time with Fraser, just the two of them, or the chance to put off the embarrassing scene he had planned for the airport. The adventure itself didn't even figure in his quick agreement, his willingness to pore over maps with Fraser. He didn't feel so much like maybe he should have been an explorer when he wasn't about to die. But he liked it, he really liked it. The scenery, the peace, all the stuff he had to learn, not knowing where the fuck he was despite Fraser and his maps. The sheer stupidity of going after a dead guy he'd only just heard of and wasn't going to find. And there was no work, no boss, yet they were busy. For all Fraser was so devoted to the daily grind, Ray felt like he was seeing more of what it was like to be Fraser. Because underneath everything, Fraser decided what his work was. He'd fit it in with the daily grind if you made him, but you could never take his own work, his own self-defined purpose, away from him. And that meant that he carried all this space around with him, the same white horizons that were all around Ray right now.

Ray didn't want to leave those spaces behind to crawl back into his own well-worn groove in Chicago.

The words had risen up inside his throat a handful of times when he was overcome either by clean hopeful joy or a feeling of dread and desire to get it over with. He'd listened to Fraser breathing next to him in the tent and ached to reach out. He'd fought the words down, forced his body to stay still, and saved it for the airport.

Now he was here. 

They were at Inuvik's airport with plenty of time to spare. Fraser generally got to places early unless there had been criminals on the way. Even when there had been the criminals often failed to get through all the time he'd allotted in case of criminals and other accidents and today there hadn't been any criminals.

They ate burgers and fries in the airport restaurant because that, in Ray's experience, was what you did when you were in an airport with somebody and one of you was getting on a plane and you felt kind of sick about it. You got something to eat because there wasn't anything else to do and you felt sicker. 

Now, Ray realized, was the time to fine-tune his timing. He pondered. Should he wait until his getaway plane was on hand? That was kind of how he'd pictured it but he'd always had a nagging feeling that it wasn't playing fair. He should give Fraser at least ten minutes to get the flushing and stammering and protestations of platonic but warm friendship out of his system. Ray would want to die during those ten minutes but hey, it wasn't all about him. Diefenbaker got up next to Ray, ostensibly to get closer to his fries but probably to be companionable too. Ray amused himself tossing fries into Dief's mouth and thinking maudlin thoughts about how this was goodbye forever to him too.

"Ray, I -- I've decided to return to Chicago," Fraser said.

Ray and Dief both stopped what they were doing and stared. 

"I know I haven't consulted either of you and for that I apologize, but I have given it some thought. I remember saying that I was home. It's not that that wasn't true but neither was it the whole story. I like the person Chicago forced me to be better than I ever liked the person I was at home. I'm afraid it would be too easy for me to isolate myself, to regress, in the kind of rural posting I've hankered after for years. I know this isn't what you expected but-"

"See, Fraser, the problem with that is, I got something to get off my chest too. It's different but it's the same." Ray sucked in a breath of air and stared over Fraser's head for a moment. "I was gonna say I wanna stay." He ignored Fraser's open mouth -- at least, on the outside he did; on the inside he thought, fuck, he's already making that face. "I want to come live up here. I think maybe I like myself better away from home too. So we could do a cultural exchange, where _you_ go back to Chicago and _I_ stay here, maybe borrow your uniform... or-"

"I know you've enjoyed your time here, Ray, mostly, and I've been very impressed by how well you've adapted but I had no idea you would ever consider-"

"I haven't got it off my chest yet." 

It was harder now. Ray's chest felt all churned up. He was touched, horribly touched, to hear that maybe for Fraser the end credits weren't rolling after all, that he'd be happy to continue as they'd been. He was worried to realize that Fraser was afraid of being lonely. How could Ray leave him behind on his getaway plane now, knowing that Fraser didn't think he would be okay by himself, having fucked up his option for companionship? Fraser looked at him expectantly, impatiently. He shouldn't say it. It was selfish. But he couldn't just be friends with Fraser anymore, without telling him how he felt. He wouldn't be able to carry on like that, he'd only screw it up after letting Fraser go all the way back to Chicago with him, make everything even more ugly and complicated for Fraser. Maybe after Fraser flushed and stammered and turned him down flat and said he still valued their friendship Ray would be a mature adult after all, swallow his humiliation and disappointment and still be Fraser's friend. Yeah, that's what he'd do. Probably that was what he'd always been going to do. 

"When I said I wanted to live up here I didn't mean I wanted to live somewhere kind of near you. I meant I wanted to live with you. I wanted to say that I could see myself being with you like how I was with Stella. Before we got divorced," he specified. It occurred to him that namedropping your exes wasn’t the way you went around convincing new people to shack up with you but it had seemed like a way to make it clear he wanted to go to bed with Fraser. "I never thought that you could see yourself like that but I had to tell you anyway." Ray had to tell him more, tell him _it_. He wanted to say it to him once. "I love you."

Ray's eyes were on the table. So he saw Fraser reach out and clasp one of his hands in both of his and squeeze it hard. He looked up. Fraser wasn't smiling exactly but his whole face was a smile and his eyes were bright. He _was_ flushed, but not at all in the awkward, pained way Ray had feared for months. "I love you too," Fraser said.

"Really?" said Ray before he could stop himself, just like he'd done when Stella had first said that. What a loser.

"Oh yes." Fraser nodded firmly.

"You couldn't have told me earlier?" Ray demanded. He could feel his face grinning.

Fraser used their clasped hands to gently nudge Ray's elbow in a gesture at a punch. "You couldn't have told _me_ earlier?"

"Why would I think you might be into a guy? You're never into anybody! Or is this a whole closet situation and you only seem like you're never into anybody because guys is what you're into?"

"I wouldn't say it was a closet situation, no. I've long known that I was capable of appreciation for the male body but it's been purely hypothetical because -- oh, because I'm _me_. I haven't abstained because of _bodies_ , those of men or those of women. It's the people in them that cause all the trouble." Ray had to give his blissful grinning a break to put a rueful grin in at that. 

"And I'm not trouble?"

"Not all trouble is worthwhile but everything worthwhile is trouble." 

They sat and looked at each other for a moment more. Ray felt like he could do this for ever, though at the same time he was itching to bounce to his feet and do something, he wasn't sure what.

"And you?" asked Fraser

"And me what?"

"Men. Have you experienced...?"

"Oh. No. Hypothetical appreciation kind of thing," Ray mumbled. Maybe he'd have liked to be the gay sex expert. Maybe Fraser being Ray's first actual guy made it sound like he was a big deal exception and he still wasn't comfortable with Fraser knowing just how big a deal he was in all kinds of ways. But then Fraser had just let him know that _he_ was a big deal exception because getting into Fraser's pants and having him say I love you too, what the fuck, nobody got to have that. "You know, Stella, and then I didn't do too well with dating, probably because still Stella and it seemed like I was too old to do all that exploring your sexuality stuff. But here we are," Ray said, to make Fraser agree that here they were, about to explore their sexuality together in the near future.

"Here we are," Fraser agreed.

"So where are we going?" Ray asked. 

Fraser let go of his hand. "I think we'll go back to the hotel and try some practical appreciation-"

"Just in case this was a horrible mistake and we're straight as rulers," Ray suggested.

"Oh, I'm sure that won't happen. And later we can think about where we might like to live. I would be quite willing to return to Chicago but I must admit it would be nice to make the decision in a more considered way, with less at stake."

"I still think I might want to stay here. And Dief wants to stay here, dontcha?" Ray ruffled Dief's fur just before he bounded down as Fraser got to his feet. 

They'd walked from the hotel to the airport. It was close by and Ray had very little baggage. All his Chicago stuff was in Chicago and the Canada stuff he'd acquired had mostly been left in Fraser's cabin because he wouldn't be needing it in Chicago. So here they were walking back, glancing at each other now and then. Often. Weird to be walking along like this knowing that he would soon be in bed with Fraser, would soon know what Fraser was like in bed. Weird to have a moving-in-together conversation scheduled with someone he hadn't even kissed yet. A good weird, like it wouldn't matter if it was awkward at first, like Fraser was real sure about this thing that had only been a real thing for like seven minutes. It wasn't as good as it ought to have been, though, just because Ray couldn't believe it yet.

"I feel like somebody's going to shoot me in the head when we get to the hotel," Ray said, which wasn't the kind of thing you should say to somebody who was about to sleep with you, but Ray was always handy with the kind of thing you shouldn't say. Fraser looked at him inquiringly. "You know, game over. Blank screen. No knowing what comes next. Maybe nothing."

"It seems I have a more vivid imagination," Fraser said, a little smile at the corners of his mouth, keeping his imagination to himself. Ray shivered at the thought of Fraser imagining things about him, in that head of his only inches away.

Ray was puzzled for a few moments when Fraser jerked his head at the convenience store and disappeared inside it. Grocery shopping? Now? Then he realized that Fraser was probably not picking up groceries. Probably lube. Probably condoms. Ray stayed outside.

"Perfect preparation prevents poor performance, huh?" he asked when Fraser came out. Fraser gave an awkward kind of smirk, which was fun.

They got to the hotel and Ray was all ready to jump in the elevator and get into Fraser's room but Fraser caught his arm. "You checked out of your room. You'll need to check in again."

Oh. Discretion. Discretion that bordered on the kind of concealment he hadn't thought Fraser would go for. The one thing he'd always counted on was that Fraser wouldn't feel insulted that anyone had thought that he might be into guys, even if he wasn't.

"Diefenbaker can stay in my room," Fraser said and oh yeah, that right, there's three of them right now.

So Ray checked in again and Diefenbaker was ushered into Fraser's room with a stern "I don't want to hear it" and Ray let them into his room a few doors down the corridor, thinking about getting shot in the head.

The door shut behind them and Ray was still here. Fraser took off his jacket with a business-like air, his face sober. He started stepping up to Ray and Ray decided he didn't have time to take his jacket off and stepped up to Fraser.

Fraser put his hands round Ray's face, his thumbs under Ray's jaw. Their mouths met slow, gentle, warm. Ray pulled back and Fraser, intent but relaxed, looked like someone who kissed people, someone who enjoyed being desired, who knew he was cared about and was really fucking glad about it. This was what came next instead of nothing. Ray went back in. Mouths not so slow and gentle now.

Ray pressed himself against Fraser, pushing him back almost without meaning to, so that Fraser ended up against the wall. He bent his head to kiss Fraser's throat. Fraser gripped his hips and pulled them tighter against his own. Ray bared his teeth in a grin against Fraser's neck as they both got to feel that yep, the other had a boner too. His dick liked thrusting against Fraser's groin, even with two pairs of jeans and underwear between their skin. Fraser's hands slipped under Ray's shirt, experimentally brushing and stroking over Ray's back. Ray leant back a little to get at the buttons of Fraser's shirt while Fraser's hands moved onto his belly, his ribs, his nipples. Once he'd got the shirt open Ray stooped to kiss and lick Fraser's own belly, ribs and nipples. As he dragged his tongue over the little nub of Fraser's nipple, he had a blurry impression in his peripheral vision of Fraser turning his face sharply to one side. He licked the nipple again and heard a little gasp. 

This was amazing, knowing he could turn Fraser on. He felt drunk with power and pride and like he wanted to turn to Fraser and see that yeah, Fraser saw and Fraser thought it was pretty cool. But he was already looking at Fraser and he already knew Fraser knew he was doing something pretty cool. 

Okay, now for something cooler. Ray got the zip of Fraser's jeans between his fingers and looked up to raise an eyebrow at Fraser, because he needed to gloat even though he knew Fraser already knew. Then he pulled the zip sharply down and grabbed the waistband of Fraser's underwear and pulled jeans and underwear right down. There was Fraser's cock right there and he loved it right away, red and thick and jutting up close to his belly. Ray made a circle of his fingers round the shaft, getting a feel for the weight of Fraser's cock, for the heat and firmness and softness of a dick in his hand. He moved his fingers up and down a few times, letting the head in on the act. The head started to glisten with pre-come. Ray held Fraser's cock steady and leaned in. He heard Fraser gasp again as he opened his mouth and Fraser could probably feel his breath on his cock. Ray licked first, then took Fraser's cock into his mouth. Not too far, nothing fancy, but far enough in to suck the head firmly and feel real good between his own legs thinking about how good he was making Fraser feel. He kept moving his hand up and down and with the other hand he gently squeezed Fraser's balls before sliding his hand further between Fraser's thighs and letting his fingers graze against Fraser's asshole. Fraser cradled Ray's head, his fingers buried in Ray's hair, stroking his scalp. Ray liked that, he liked it a lot, and it was almost a shame that Fraser clearly liked what he was doing with his hands as well as his mouth or Ray would have been touching himself. As it was he couldn't stop squirming as he knelt, trying to hump the air near Fraser's legs. Fraser moved his hands over Ray's face. Ray closed his eyes as Fraser stroked his eyelids and kept them shut as Fraser stroked his lips, stretched around Fraser's cock. Ray could feel Fraser's gaze on his mouth become a laser focus and he knew Fraser was very near coming. Ray urged him on inside his head. He wanted Fraser to feel so, so good, to give this to him. There it was, Fraser's cock jerking and spurting warm fluid. Ray swallowed quickly but carried on sucking Fraser's cock through the aftershocks. He kept his eyes shut for a second after Fraser pulled out of his mouth, still stroking his lips. Somehow he didn't want it to be over, even though he wanted Fraser to do something to him so bad and even though his jaw wasn't having so much fun anymore.

Ray sat back and looked up at Fraser. He felt kind of serious but he had to grin when he saw Fraser looking back at him like that, face flushed, his mouth redder than usual, his eyes warm and glowing, smiling at him like they were sharing something astonishing. And his jeans and underwear were still bunched up under his knees.

"That was wonderful, Ray," Fraser said, just as Ray said, "So, we didn't find the hand of Franklin but at least I found your dick." He punched his fist victoriously in the air.

Fraser disentangled himself while Ray tore his clothes off. Fraser came towards Ray just as Ray had got naked, flinging a sock past his ear. Fraser kneed his way onto the bed with Ray and lent in. They kissed, pressed together, just skin to skin for the first time, Ray's erection wedged against Fraser's hip. Fraser took him in his hand and Ray gasped and thrusted into it. The head of Ray's cock was wet with pre-come and slid against Fraser's skin. Fraser jacked him for a while, his head dipped down to see what he was doing, while Ray got an arm round his neck to brace him. Ray would be happy to come like this but Fraser was pushing him away, pushing him down on his back with his legs apart. Then his cock was in Fraser's mouth and Fraser looked up at him with his alert look, wanting to know what that did to him. The gasping moan Ray let out gave him some idea of the way the warmth of Fraser's mouth was building the warmth in Ray's belly. It built fast; he wasn't going to need much more of this. He had to look at the ceiling, away from Fraser's face, away from his dick in Fraser's mouth, if he was going to need any more at all. He felt a little bad about that but -- God, Fraser's tongue. He could imagine what he didn't need to imagine, what was actually happening between his legs, Fraser licking the head of his dick, watching the pre-come bead up, with that same concentration Ray had seen in different but similar circumstances so many times before. Suction resumed. Too much. The heat in his belly pulsed and leapt. Ray heard himself groan, muffled by the thump of his blood in his ears.

He looked down to see Fraser licking his lips. Ray held out his arms and Fraser crawled up to lie partly on top of him. Ray closed his eyes. He felt not only the just-got-laid-time-for-a-nap weightlessness but the weightlessness of having put down a burden he'd been carrying for a long time. "So we're both into dick and I'm into you and you're into me?" he said, slightly slurred, hardly bothering to move his mouth.

"Yes," Fraser said, his mouth by his ear so Ray felt a little puff of breath with the word, an answer pronounced more solemnly than the question had been. Ray turned his head to face Fraser so that they were all but forehead to forehead and was about to drop off when Fraser spoke again. "It may take me some time to fully adjust to -- to not being alone," he said. "And I want you to know that even if it appears that I _want_ to be alone, I don't."

Ray opened his eyes and met Fraser's gaze. "Okay. I can pretend you're laying on top of me so I can't go nowhere even if I want to. Which I don't, and I won't, however mad you make me."

Fraser chuckled but it turned into a sigh. "Oh, I'll make you pretty mad, I'm afraid."

"And I'll drive you outta your mind, which is what you meant by adjusting. I already drive you crazy. It's no big deal, we can handle it." Ray closed his eyes again determinedly. After a while he thought of opening his eyes to see if Fraser had shut his, only his eyelids were too heavy.

Later he woke up. He didn't think he'd been asleep all that long but it had been a real sleep, not a half-conscious doze. Ray guessed the last couple nights of stressing about his big airport scene had something to do with it. He was lying on his side and Fraser wasn't on top of him anymore, wasn't touching him anymore, but Ray could tell before he looked that he was close. There he was, lying on his back, close enough to Ray that he could feel the heat of his skin. His eyes were open onto the ceiling and his face was calm and contemplative. Ray smiled instinctively as he raised himself up on an elbow, as if he was meeting Fraser's smile, because even though Fraser wasn't actually smiling it was good to see his face like that, because of him. He looked empty, in a good way, like his mind was clean and bare of worry and full only of new ease.

"Hey," said Ray.

"Hey," said Fraser softly, looking up at Ray.

Ray leant over to kiss him, hands on the mattress on either side of Fraser's neck. Fraser's lips opened beneath his; the kiss was deep and greedy and Ray closed his eyes, concentrating fiercely on Fraser and what it felt like to be with him. God, he remembered this, the feeling that the person you cared most about in the world actually wanted to be with you. Wonderful but terrifying. Without breaking the kiss he got his knees on either side of Fraser's hips, straddling him. He felt Fraser's dick rapidly starting to get interested and Fraser held onto his hips, encouraging him to push them back and forth. There was an awkward moment when Ray realised Fraser was trying to speak into his mouth.

"Those things I bought," he said when Ray let him have his mouth to himself. "Perhaps now?"

"Yeah, yeah," said Ray, backing away and knee-trampling Fraser in the process. He rifled through all the handy things in Fraser's jacket, dropping the handy things he was after on the floor. Having retrieved them he made some awkward hand gestures: am I lubing up your ass or mine?

Fraser spread his legs. Some point soon, he would have to get Fraser to say "fuck", or Fraser would be penetrating him if he wasn't careful. But right now, this worked. Oh, it worked. When he'd pictured this (and he'd pictured this, vividly and regularly, if guiltily cut short more often than lingered over) he'd more often imagined Fraser fucking him, but this was plenty interesting too. 

"Okay. Okay." Ray squirted some lube onto his fingers. He felt stupidly nervous. They'd already got each other off, they'd already decided they were in it for the long haul; this shouldn't be that big a deal. But he wanted it to go right. He wanted it to be good for Fraser, he didn't want it to hurt him, and he didn't know if he could make sure of that.

Fraser spread his legs wider and his face looked a little knowing, like he knew Ray wasn't sure he could fuck him right but had every confidence that he could. So Ray had no choice but to lean in and start slicking up Fraser's ass. He kind of jabbed the first finger in; things were pretty slick and one finger didn't seem like much. Then he worried and looked at Fraser's face again. Fraser quirked an eyebrow impatiently so Ray moved his finger back and forth a little and added a second. He settled in for a while then, finger-fucking Fraser and seeing what that did for him. It definitely did something. Fraser's breath sped up and he thrust his ass back onto Ray's fingers while his cock strained up to his belly. Ray wasn't just preparing Fraser, he was enjoying seeing him so needy. He waited for Fraser to speak, to ask for more.

"I think you could-" Fraser said in a low voice that Ray hadn't hear before and liked a lot. It was heated all the way through and not quite holding its shape anymore.

"You want me to fuck you?" Ray asked.

"Yeah."

"Okay," said Ray. "Dammit, the condom." He'd forgotten about it and it was jarring to fumble at it with his slippery fingers. There, it was on. He slathered some lube onto his dick and settled himself between Fraser's thighs.

"Perhaps a pillow," said Fraser, just as Ray was about to go for it.

Ray stuffed a pillow under him. This time Fraser wrapped his legs around him, pulling him in. They grinned at each other conspiratorially as Ray slid in and oh fuck, there was that feeling again only even stronger, that warm feeling that he was known and wanted and everything was going to be okay. He'd had it once upon a time when he was going to live happily ever after with Stella. He'd almost forgotten it but now it was here again he remembered it exactly. He kind of hated that he could forgive it so easily for leaving him. Ray kept his eyes on Fraser's face as he began to thrust slowly and Fraser grabbed his shoulders, pulling him closer still, holding onto him as much as possible. Ray's belly seemed to be providing Fraser's cock with enough friction to work with. Ray got into a rhythm but he didn't feel like he was in control. Inside he was giving himself up to happy ever after, to having someone he was meant to be with, to being in a story designed to bring them together -- to going splat when the story gave way.

He gave himself up because it was inevitable. It felt amazing to be contained in the warmth of Fraser's body, to hear Fraser say, in that voice, "That's wonderful, Ray", to know that there was nothing they needed to do right now but please each other. That warm feeling was all around him, it was right in his chest, strong as a clenched fist. Fraser was about to come, he could tell, more warmed up than he was because of the fingers. His gasps were almost moans and Ray was suddenly a lot nearer than he'd thought himself. He loved knowing that his movement was Fraser's pleasure. Fraser's ecstatically closed eyes were Ray's pleasure. While he gloated over them he remembered that he'd actually never really lost this togetherness with Stella in _bed_. So while his own orgasm was tearing through his body, Ray's mind was fixed on one thing: Keep things good out of bed. He'd listen. He'd compromise. He'd make it work. He wouldn't be offputtingly desperate to make it work. He'd make it work.


End file.
